So, first up, a warning. There’s a reason that these are called unwritten rules. They’re not meant to be written down, and certainly not read. They are meant to be passed down in an oral tradition, from manager to player, from veteran to rookie, from announcer to fan, and from fan to, erm, drunk fan in the stands. I, for one, having at great personal risk attempted to detail this list, these commandments ex machine, shall be looking out whenever I leave the house now for fear of being plunked, or expecting one high and in next time I order a burrito. I suggest you do the same. Or stop reading. Better still, get a friend to read this and tell you what’s written. That way, at least, the cosmic balance might be at least a little restored.

These rules are something I’ve been thinking about since two events on the weekend – Casey Blake’s mocking of Giants closer Brian Wilson’s this-is-for-you-dad celebration after he hit a game tying home run (he did this from the safety of his own dugout, which strikes me as a little weak, but there you go) and Aubrey Huff fist pumping and shouting at Joba Chamberlain as he ran around the bases, having just gone deep. Leaving aside the fact that Aubrey is no name for someone who wants to be the fist pumping type, or the fact that Joba Chamberlain almost certainly deserved it, or that maybe Wilson and Chamberlain should just grow up a bit, I went undercover to found out some more. A man came to meet me in an abandoned lot, wearing a hat and some feature facial furniture; what follows is a list of rules that he gave me. To the best of my recollection, obviously; he wouldn’t let me write them down…

Don’t throw at the opposition pitcher. It doesn’t matter what he’s done, or which of these rules he’s broken.

Don’t ever celebrate, not matter how excited you are. If you play for the Athletics, this isn’t much of a problem at the moment.

Gamers wear stockings. Actually, baseball may be the only activity outside of organized prostitution where this is true.

You can’t bunt your way out of a no-hitter. Even if doing so might help your team win. It’s not about you – it’s about the game (italics)

Always try to beat out a grounder. No matter what. You will get booed, otherwise. Actually, I agree with this one. You’d never see me giving less than, ooh, 23% when I’m writing.

The manager must always wear tight pants and a shirt that’s ten years too young for his waistline. I have to say, this one amuses me greatly.

No stealing if you’re winning at a canter. Isn’t this worse, though? Isn’t this just saying, we don’t even need to try any more, we’re so much better than you? Maybe it’s because of thinking like that I didn’t become a major league baseball player. That and I can’t hit my way out of a paper bag.

If you’re brawling, you can’t use your bat. Well, ok, this is probably a good thing, but man, it’d make things more tasty, don’t you think?

At this time, the mysterious man looked to his right, where another man was touching various parts of his anatomy, and clapping his hands. My friend nodded, turned, and then ran into the night. Like a gamer, of course.

So there we are my friends. Guard this knowledge well, because one thing you do not want to do is contravene a sacred tenet of the game.